How to Be With Fear Without Needing It to Go Away

This weeks newsletter is based on The Recovery Club – 30-Minute Coaching Session (Replay Available)

Fear often arrives with an unspoken message:

Something is wrong. Fix this. Make it stop.

In our recent Recovery Club 30-minute coaching session, we explored a different possibility; one that doesn’t require fear to disappear in order for safety, steadiness or progress to exist.

The session, “How to Be With Fear Without Needing It to Go Away,” focused on learning how to relate to fear in a way that helps the nervous system soften, rather than escalate.

If you missed it live, you can watch the replay:

HERE

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1B34bkDXsS/?mibextid=wwXIfr

You Didn’t Need to Feel Calm to Take Part

One of the first things shared in the session was this reminder:

You don’t need to feel calm, positive or grounded in order to begin this work. Whatever state your body was in was already allowed.

This wasn’t a session about fixing fear or forcing relaxation. It was about creating safety with fear present.

Participants were reminded that they were never required to push themselves, listening quietly, opting out of exercises or letting attention drift was all part of staying regulated.

This was gentle nervous system work, not exposure, endurance or pressure.

And when fear showed up as tightness, dizziness, racing thoughts or heaviness, it wasn’t treated as failure, but as a sign that the nervous system was learning something new.

Why Fighting Fear Keeps the Cycle Going

A key teaching in the session explored why fear tends to stay loud when we try to get rid of it.

When fear appears, the brain usually asks one urgent question: How do I make this stop?

That response is understandable; fear is uncomfortable. But it’s often not fear itself that keeps the cycle alive. It’s the urgency to eliminate it.

When we tense, analyse, body-check, seek reassurance, distract ourselves or escape the sensation, the nervous system doesn’t hear our reassuring thoughts. It watches our behaviour and learns:

That must have been dangerous because we reacted so fast.

So fear returns louder next time, not because something is wrong, but because the alarm system believes it’s protecting us.

Fear was compared to an overly sensitive smoke alarm; one that goes off every time you make toast. Waving a towel at it doesn’t fix the system; it convinces it that there really is a fire. Allowing fear isn’t agreeing with it. It isn’t liking it. It’s teaching the body that discomfort is survivable.

A Gentle Practice for Sitting With Fear

The session included a short, guided practice designed to feel safe and contained.

Rather than calling in intense fear, participants were invited to notice what was already present or even something very mild.

The practice began by orienting to safety: noticing the room, neutral or slightly pleasant details, and the support beneath the body.

If a sensation or emotion appeared, the invitation was to notice it without analysing or labelling, simply observing.

Small softening was encouraged, in the jaw, shoulders, or hands, alongside permission-based language:

“This is uncomfortable… and I’m allowed to be here anyway.”

Redefining Progress in Recovery

An important reframe closed the practice:

If nothing shifted, that was okay. If something softened, that was okay too.

The goal wasn’t to feel better; it was to stay present without fighting.

Fear often fades when it stops being the main event.

We don’t reduce fear by arguing with it. We reduce fear by removing urgency.

Recovery, as shared in the session, isn’t about being fearless, it’s about being unafraid of fear.

A Sentence to Carry With You

The session ended with a simple takeaway to try during the week:

“I don’t need this to go away for me to be okay.”

Said once, gently, then followed by returning to life, not as a distraction, but as participation.

Fear leaving isn’t your job. Creating safety is, and you’re already practising that.

If this topic speaks to you, you’re warmly invited to watch the replay here: https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1B34bkDXsS/?mibextid=wwXIfr

With love

Sally Bee