Why Saying No Feels So Hard (and What It Has to Do With Your Nervous System)

Last week for The Recovery Club, I went live on Facebook to talk about something that so many people quietly struggle with in recovery; boundaries, guilt, and why saying no can feel far harder than it should.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I know I’m allowed to rest… so why do I feel so bad about it?” this session was for you.

One of the most important things we talked about was this:

Guilt isn’t always a sign that you’re doing something wrong. Very often, it’s a sign that your nervous system is doing something new.

For many of us, guilt shows up not because we’re selfish or lazy, but because our bodies learned, often very early, that being helpful, available or low-maintenance was how we stayed safe.

Being the one who coped.

Being the one who didn’t need too much.

Being the one who said yes.

So when we rest…

When we cancel…

When we say no without a long explanation…

Our nervous system doesn’t automatically feel relief.

It feels risk.

And that uncomfortable, tight, uneasy feeling we label as guilt is often the body saying, “This is unfamiliar. Are we safe?”

We also spent time talking about people-pleasing and why it’s so closely linked to anxiety and burnout.

People-pleasing isn’t a personality flaw or a lack of confidence.

It’s a regulation strategy.

A way the nervous system learned to avoid conflict, disapproval or abandonment. In the moment, saying yes or smoothing things over can feel calming but afterwards, many people notice their anxiety rises, their body feels tense, or exhaustion sets in.

That’s because the nervous system never gets to stand down. It stays switched on. Responsible. Alert.

This is where over-functioning comes in.

Over-functioning can look like:

• doing more than your share

• anticipating other people’s needs

• fixing problems before they’re even voiced

• managing emotions that aren’t actually yours

From the outside, this can look like strength or capability. But inside the body, it often feels like constant pressure.

One of the key reframes from the session was this:

Over-functioning is your nervous system saying,“If I hold everything together, I’ll be okay.”

The challenge is that recovery doesn’t happen in “holding it all together” mode. Healing requires capacity. Capacity requires rest. And rest requires boundaries (even small ones.)

We talked a lot about how boundaries don’t need to be big, confrontational or perfectly delivered. In fact, the most supportive boundaries are often low-stakes and quiet.

Things like:

• not replying straight away

• saying “let me think about it” instead of yes

• resting without explaining or justifying it

• allowing something to remain unfinished

• saying no and letting it be simple

• 
  

These small moments are how the nervous system learns safety. Not through forcing confidence, but through repetition and kindness.

We ended the session with a reflection that really stayed with people:

Where do you over-explain when a simple “no” would do?

Even noticing the answer to that question, without judging yourself, is a powerful step toward rebuilding self-trust.

If guilt has been loud lately, I want to gently remind you of this:

You’re not doing recovery wrong.

You’re not going backwards.

Your nervous system is learning a new way of being in the world, one that doesn’t rely on over-giving or over-functioning to feel safe.

And that learning takes time.

If you missed the live session, the replay is available on my Facebook page HERE. And if this topic resonated, we’ll absolutely be coming back to it, because boundaries, guilt and safety sit at the very heart of healing.

SB x